Tuesday, July 16

Gut level honesty.

About two months ago, I had a very dear friend tell me that I am difficult to love and not worth the emotional investment.  I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt and cut straight to my soul.  It did.  I have pondered and pondered and journaled and journaled miles on these very thoughts.  I have thought about it sitting at the pool this summer; I have thought about it at red lights; I thought about it on the long miles of our road trip this summer.  I think I finally have words for it.

I am difficult to love.  I admit it.  I am a complex soul, full of a mix of varied life experiences, that pretty much affect most of my output.  I admit that I am not good at this life.  I mess up a lot.  And if anyone had to base their love for me on my output, there would be no love for me.  I am reminded over and over and over and over again of this as I daily apologize to my husband and my children and my friends.  That's why I am so grateful that God's love for me is not based on what I do or don't do, but rather just because.  It reminds me to love others just because.

The truth is, we are all difficult to love in this world.  I often say that I won the husband, kid , and friend lottery, and I do think they are the very best, but they are difficult to love at times.  I have expectations, and when they aren't being met, it is difficult to love just because.  I have idols in my heart, and when they aren't being fed, I find it difficult to love and invest just because.  Am I proud of this?  Absolutely not.  But my ability to love others is directly affected by my own sin.  So I am difficult to love because of my sin, and I find others difficult to love because of my sin.  It seems like a no-win situation.

And if it were left up to me, it would be a no-win situation.  But it isn't left up to me and my devices.  God is bigger than that, and he gives me the ability to love others despite my sin and despite their sin.  He gives others the ability to love me.  Thank goodness for that.  So while it hurts deeply to be put in a box and given the label "unlovable," I know that it isn't true.  God promises me that.  And while the last few months have been a difficult battle for me as I fight for truth in my soul, I am grateful for where I am headed because of it. I want to be able to love others for no other reason than just because I do, and I really want to be able to accept love from others just because I can.


Lisa Sheldon said...

Amy, I just want to give you a big hug! I love your honesty and openness. Praying for you friend.

Audra said...

Well said friend! I love your realism and transparency. If only all of us as Christians would be more honest about our inabilities and focus on Christ's abilities instead, our world would be a better place!