Wednesday, April 24

A Little Honesty

When I saw the hand-addressed letter in the mailbox, I knew instantly what is was.  I didn't even wait to get back in house to read it.  I stood right there at the mailbox and cried my heart out as I read the words.  A friend of ours, a former cross country runner, will be spending the summer in Daytona with Campus Outreach.  His letter spoke of his God, a very BIG God, who rearranged basic training for him to be able to go for the eight weeks over the summer.  Instantly, I remembered those days.  Praying prayers with confidence.  Expecting BIG things.  Watching God move mountains time and time again.  Watching lives change right before your eyes.  I wouldn't trade those days, those lessons, those life experiences for ANYTHING.  And beach project?  My first summer there was God's protection for me, for sure.  I spent that summer growing in my faith and being challenged in my beliefs while, back home, my parent's marriage unraveled.  God had started the process of stripping everything away from me, and he gave me the resources, the body of Christ, to help me through it.  I left for my second summer in Daytona three months after my dad left us me.  I had so much hurt, so many tears, so much angst to work through, and time and time again, my very BIG God met me right where I was.  That summer was so very hard, but so very unbelievable.  I am still amazed at how God held me together and kept me plugging forward.

And the tears?  Definitely because I am in awe of what God is doing in Thad's life, but more so because the reality of where I am hit me like a brick.  My God has become so very, very small.  I am clinging to his truths, but doubtful that He's going to pull through.  I know he is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.  Yet, I don't wait in expectation for my God to part the Red Sea.  I look at how logistically it is impossible.  I am scared to ask God for big things for fear that he won't provide, for fear that I am not worth enough to Him to matter.  I know these things are absolutely not true, but yet, I allow my heart to hold onto them.  Idols.  Expecting mediocre has become the norm.  I so easily forget that God's word says:

“Look at the nations and watch—

    and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
    that you would not believe,
    even if you were told.

I pray it over and over for other people.  I watch and wait hopefully for his healing and his grace in others' lives. I even cheer them on; I know the truth of God's word in my head.   But in my own life?  I shy away, scarred by rejection and abandonment, just waiting for the next person to leave,  for the next hard thing to appear.  I have forgotten to expect healing.  I have forgotten how big God is, and I am afraid I will need a lot of reminding in the days to come.   Once again, I am so grateful for my Monday night girls and someone to pray for me when I can't pray for myself.  I am ready to see God do big things again, not just in others' lives, but in mine as well.

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