Monday, September 12

Photo Challenge Day 15

Day 15 - A picture of someone you miss

   I am totally going to forgo the picture in this post--I just don't think it would be appropriate. But I will tell you all about someone I miss.

I had a very dear, soul-mate kind a friend a few years ago.  I loved her dearly, and I still do.  I imagined our families growing old together.  We might still; I believe that most things can be redeemed, but this redeeming would probably need to involve the moving of mountains.

So why do I miss her?  We aren't friends anymore.  I have learned over the past few years that when things are tough, I do one of two things.  I run or I withdraw.  It is still my natural tendency.  Things were tough, I was barely hanging on, and I withdrew.  I was completely overwhelmed with life.  I basically withdrew from everyone who would let me.  I didn't do it intentionally; I did it one small decision at a time.  I made myself too busy, too tired, and ultimately too isolated to really deal with much at all.  It was easier that way, and it hurt less that way.  I put up walls as fast as I could and kept out as many people as I could.  I couldn't keep up with laundry, or meals, or anything other than my children.  I gave my children everything I had because it was all I had, and I was determined to do at least one thing correctly.  Steve Brown has referred to this season as "a dark night of the soul," and if you have ever been there, you know exactly where I was.  It wasn't a good place at all.

I shut her out one time too many.  I could be the best friend ever at this point, and I don't think she would care.  I understand her position.

The loss of this particular friendship was devastating to me and my children, but in the same sense, it has been such a great reminder of God's grace and his good gifts.  In seasons of loss, He always gives back.  I understand true forgiveness in ways I could have never understood it before.  God gave me friends who recognize the state of my soul even when I don't and fight me tooth and nail when I begin retreat.

But even with that, I still miss her.  I will do something that I know she would laugh at, or I go somewhere I know she would enjoy, or I say something I know I picked up from her.  And the sense of loss still stings.

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