Friday, December 31

My Year in Words.

So I have thought about what to write in this space about 2010, and really, I have no idea. It has been quite a year. It's been a year of loss. I've lost a bit of weight, I've lost some family, I've lost some good friends, and I've lost a good bit of my pride in the process. I've watched some dear friends lose some of the very same things. I have given up the need to be right and do things the right way and the need to hold onto things. I am learning to let go. I am remembering just how fun it is to dance in the rain.

A good friend of mine just recently reminded me about the value of written words. Our lives today are full of brief snippets of conversations--a text, a quick phone call, an uncertain email. Often this year, I have looked over at this journal of mine and thought, why? For it is only a small glimpse of a bigger puzzle that I myself continually try to sort through and put together. If for no other reason, the answer is in quiet moments like these...moments to carve out words to define a year; words that will be able to help me remember just where I have been and where I am heading.

So where have I been? At the bottom, most certainly broken and completely useless for most. Except for a handful of stay there. Holding it together at the surface level and spending a lot of time falling apart in the quiet moments. The thing about loss is that it always, always, always equals gain. and I have gained quite a bit. I did not mean to do it, but I traded mediocre friendships for a set of intense friends. It is a small grouping, a mere party of four, but each with such a valuable place in my life. Friends who take time to hash out the tough things with me, who remember my birthday when it gets swallowed up entirely by other things, who are willing to be accountable and hold me accountable even in the toughest arenas of life. Friends that I have had the honor of holding in some of their darkest moments and who have had the honor of walking with me in mine. It was not an even trade; yet, somehow in my useless state, I came out ahead. I will never, never, never understand how that happens. But it does.

I have come to grips with the reality that you cannot choose your way out of struggle. Life really isn't a Choose Your Own Adventure, just waiting to see if you should continue on or jump ahead to page 37. Page 34 has been a long one, and if I could have jumped ahead (or even back), there were moments I definitely would have. I have made some mistakes. With some I found true forgiveness waiting for me; with others, not so much. As hard as it is for this perfectionist to accept, it is beyond my control. God's favor is not determined by what we do or don't do (thank goodness!). I hope and pray that my children can begin to see and understand this. Thirty-four years was way too long for me to hang onto that responsibility. It really is as simple as love God and love others. The pieces fall into place as they will, and my job is take what is dealt and roll with it and look for the beauty among the ashes. I am learning, and beauty is there. I am finally able to see it.

I know that there is still so much more for me to learn. I am not even close to being done with this journey. I want to be able to confidently set boundaries and keep them. I want to be comfortable in my own skin again. I want to laugh and play and live and stop worrying so much about the world around me spinning out of control. I want to be able to wake up every morning and see the hand of God in my life--and believe it. I want to see the reality of the gospel in my life every single day. I want freedom and joy. I am not willing to let these things go. I have learned that these things are already mine--I just have to learn to live like they are mine.

So where am I going? I am continuing on, pushing forward even when it is most hard. I have found my determination. I happen to like what's on the other side.

1 comment:

Kim said...

Very encouraging Amy!